Student Wants to Know “Why You so Obsessed with Me?”

A second-semester freshman student complained today that one of her classmates is “so obsessed” with her. The student, Hillary Topper ‘22, said that ever since arriving in her journalism class, Annie Crier ‘19 has been overly focused on what she’s doing.

“It’s really the weirdest thing,” she complained. “I just showed up here ready to contribute to my journalism class. I’ve worked really hard. I do all my research, I go out of my way to do the best work I can, and yet, Annie is always breathing down my neck.”

When asked to corroborate her accusations with more specific anecdotes, Topper had a list of things to share. “A few weeks ago, I decided to start trying to talk more in class, so I would sometimes make witty jokes to prove my point. Annie was pretty quiet all year, but the second I started making jokes – she did, too!”

Other students in the class agreed with Topper’s version of events. “Look, Annie Crier’s a cool girl. I’ve had a lot of classes with her because she’s a senior, and she’s ya know – she’s always there. She’s a dependable friend. But I mean Hillary Topper is just great! She brought all this new energy to campus, and I mean her jokes are hysterical. She’s not trying to impress anyone, she’s just doing her thing. Then, Annie started making jokes and well, they’re just kind of awkward.”

The obsession has moved beyond personality and into school work, Topper reported. “The other day I handed in a reflection on what I’ve learned this year. The next day, Annie had her own reflection on the same topic. It’s just so weird to me.”

Perhaps most frustrating for Topper is the fact that Crier remains the teacher’s pet. “All I’m saying is I have every right to be in this class, and yet, it seems like my professor keeps favoriting Annie. They don’t even read the papers I turn in.” Topper explained that when she goes to get help from faculty, administration, and even fellow students, they shut the door in her face (sometimes literally!)

“I just don’t understand why we can’t get along,” complained Topper. “Campus is big enough for us both.”

Annie Crier ‘19 did not respond to our requests to comment.

White Students Relieved by Whitewashed Syllabi

With syllabus week nearing its end, students are relieved to be met once again with multiple homogeneous syllabi. “I got concerned that I might have to listen to someone that doesn’t look like me,” a white male sophomore told The Hilltopper. “It puts me at ease to know that every class is filled with a slew of dead white men,” said another. Students in philosophy, theology, and English courses alike were comforted to know that their syllabi would remain representative of a single elite portion of the population.

A diverse syllabus can be harmful to systems of oppression that ensure the continuation of a white heteronormative patriarchal society, explained a white male professor from an undisclosed department. Male and female professors seem to agree with the assessment across disciplines – there simply isn’t room for anyone else.

The homogeneous syllabi are effective in reinforcing the systems of oppression with which many professors are comfortable. Said one student, “I thought that maybe there was even just one black or gay or Asian or Native American or Hispanic or female or transgender author in the past few centuries that had written something worth studying, but if my professor couldn’t find one, then I guess there isn’t! It’s honestly a relief to be reassured of my superiority.”

Other students seemed to agree, saying they didn’t sign up to read such trivial authors as Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Maya Angelou, Nobel prize winner Toni Morrison, or Pulitzer prize winner Alice Walker.

Select professors reported feeling pressure to update their syllabi due to the “changing times” and an increasingly liberal atmosphere in academia. Initially worried, professors have found innovative ways to satisfy these expectations without threatening the status of white men. “You simply put diverse scholars at the very end of the syllabus,” reported multiple professors. This way, they explained, you can still spend the majority of the class preserving the voices of dead white men. Backloading the syllabus allows professors to blame the exclusion of diverse voices on time. For example, one class simply “ran out of time for Dorothy Day.”

Among the other suggestions for skirting the demands for diversity? Some recommended using snow days as an excuse to skip classes that feature non-white authors, bemoaning ‘political correctness’ for the full 50-minute class time, and taking advantage of their tenured status to simply ignore any demands for inclusion.

Some professors blame the lack of inclusion on the demands of the core curriculum, which mandates they cover certain topics depending on the core learning outcome. With such rigorous expectations, it is nearly impossible to include voices beyond Aquinas and Bentham, explained theology and philosophy professors, respectively.

Other professors were simply confused by the request for more diverse perspectives. Said one, “I’m teaching a core course, not an elective. Why would I need to include someone who isn’t a straight white male? It’s literature, not African-American literature. I’m all for them being in a syllabus, but why can’t we just keep them separate but equal?”

School “Respects” Football Players But Won’t Let Them Play

Controversy is swirling around the Saint Anselm College football players who said they just want to “toss around the pigskin” in peace. Unfortunately, the College has continued to prevent them from playing their sport on campus. It all goes back to a passage taken from Leviticus in the Old Testament: “And the pig, though it has a divided hoof, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.” -Lev. 11:7-8. Touching a pig’s skin violates the College’s Catholicism.

In an attempt to bring awareness to their struggle, some football players on campus decided to purchase miniature footballs and place them around campus in various locations. It is unclear whether physical plant removed the footballs, or if a student, in an effort to fulfill a crusade for morality on campus, was so offended by the footballs that they confiscated all of them.

While some were upset by the removal, others rose to its support. One student published a letter to the editor in the Saint Anselm Crier explaining their support for the removal. The author referred to playing football (and touching the pigskin) as a “form of athletic promiscuity contrary to the virtues of the Catholic Church.” They went on to decry what they referred to as the “ideology” of playing football. After saying that all human beings should be treated equally, the author continued, “However, to treat people with equal dignity does not require agreeing with their lifestyle or ideology or endorsing it in any fashion.”

The college administration was quick to weigh in on the matter, releasing an official statement: “We strive to treat every student on this campus with respect, compassion, and sensitivity, but any expression of a lifestyle that does not fit to the expectations of the Catholic Church cannot be condoned.” The school insisted it would not allow players to participate in football on campus but said, “We would be willing to let them struggle for 2-3 years to create some sort of club and then significantly limit their opportunities to practice or have programming that relates to football. It’s just out of respect for the Church’s teachings.”

A college employee was quick to address the controversy with students. “I’m not anti-athlete. I know plenty of football players, but the reality is there is a Tradition – with a capital T – that must be respected. The Church is an institution, you can’t expect it to change overnight.”

The president of a prominent club on campus was even asked to step down last week after it was revealed that he had dared to touch a football in public. When asked why he did it, the student reported receiving hateful text messages from a fellow club member, one of which read: “You’re literally causing massive public scandal to the club and the Church.”

Students Attempt to Study for Finals Without Being Morally Outraged

‘Twas the night before finals
when all through the Hilltop,
all students were studying,
until hate made them stop.

Early Sunday evening, The Hilltopper received word from multiple nameless sources that students naively believed they could endure finals week without facing discrimination. “We just assumed, you know, that people would stop attacking our identities for this one week,” a student reflected.

The library was buzzing at the hilarity that the institution would cease enabling discrimination simply because of the pressure of exams. “This is a challenging school. We knew what we were getting into when we decided to come here,” a pro-discrimination Anselmian shared, explaining that finals isn’t a sufficient reason to stop hate speech.

While many students struggled to focus given the eruption, others admit they’ve been desensitized. Said one gay student, “I totally get it, I’m not a fetus, why would they be pro-my-life?”