Students Attempt to Study for Finals Without Being Morally Outraged

‘Twas the night before finals
when all through the Hilltop,
all students were studying,
until hate made them stop.

Early Sunday evening, The Hilltopper received word from multiple nameless sources that students naively believed they could endure finals week without facing discrimination. “We just assumed, you know, that people would stop attacking our identities for this one week,” a student reflected.

The library was buzzing at the hilarity that the institution would cease enabling discrimination simply because of the pressure of exams. “This is a challenging school. We knew what we were getting into when we decided to come here,” a pro-discrimination Anselmian shared, explaining that finals isn’t a sufficient reason to stop hate speech.

While many students struggled to focus given the eruption, others admit they’ve been desensitized. Said one gay student, “I totally get it, I’m not a fetus, why would they be pro-my-life?”